Top 10 Ways to Read Uninterrupted
Or: How to Protect Your Reading Time Like It’s a Magical Artifact from a Collapsing Alternate Timeline
At Splinter Press, we believe in the sanctity of reading time. Unfortunately, so do your kids, your spouse, your cat, your boss, your neighbor with the hedge clippers, and the sentient toaster that lives in your kitchen and demands regular attention.
But fear not. Whether you’re halfway through a portal fantasy, navigating a morally gray space heist, or just trying to finish one chapter before reality grabs you by the ankle—here are 10 proven*, completely** serious*** ways to read without interruption.
1. Fake Your Own Disappearance
Just for a few hours. Slip behind a bookshelf. Vanish into a treehouse. Tell everyone you're “running errands,” then read in the parking lot of a Target like a literary fugitive.
2. Ward Your Space
Salt circles. Noise-canceling headphones. A blanket fort with “Do Not Disturb or Be Cursed” signs. Protect your reading nook with the same intensity as a wizard protecting a scroll of forbidden knowledge.
3. Schedule It Like a Business Meeting
Block off time on your calendar labeled “Important Quantum Calibration Session.” No one needs to know that really means "chapter 12 and a cup of tea."
4. Train Your Family Like You Train a Dog
Positive reinforcement:
“Wow, you didn’t interrupt me for a full chapter! Have a cookie!”
Eventually, they’ll get the idea.
5. Use Decoy Books
Leave decoy books lying around—textbooks, tax guides, or a cursed tome that hums ominously. With luck, they’ll be too afraid (or bored) to approach.
6. Adopt the Thousand-Yard Stare
Develop a look that says, “I am not in this timeline right now. Approach at your own risk.” Works 73% of the time on roommates, children, and husbands. Less effective on toddlers and raccoons.
7. Install a Time Bubble
Still in beta, but promising. Until then, try putting your phone in another room and telling everyone you’re unreachable due to "narrative immersion."
8. Convert Others
Teach the people around you to love reading too. If everyone’s lost in their own book, no one’s interrupting you. It's basically a cult, but for good.
9. Make It Look Like Work
Highlight passages. Take fake notes. Mutter phrases like “thematic resonance” and “narrative propulsion.” People might assume you're doing something smart and leave you alone.
10. Accept Chaos—and Read Anyway
Sometimes the interruptions will come. That’s okay. Read during the five minutes you’re waiting in the school pickup line. Read on the bathroom floor while your kid sings to the cat. Read between the cracks of life. It still counts. It still matters.
Reading is resistance. Reading is magic. And reading uninterrupted? That’s a spell worth casting.
Now go forth. Protect your chapter. And if anyone asks, you’re recalibrating your multiversal coordinates.**
—
*We didn’t say “scientifically.”
**Depends on your definition of serious.
***Only slightly cursed.
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