We have taken it upon ourselves to be keepers of The Rules. The Rules are an ever-evolving list of very serious rules for very serious readers. As you study them, please keep in mind the most important rule of all: There are no rules.
- If you start a book, finish it. Preferably in one sitting.
- The book is always better than the movie—anyone who claims otherwise is an idiot.
- Always read the Author’s Note, Preface, Prologue, footnotes, Afterword, and Epilogue. Anything less is just laziness.
- Never, ever dog-ear the pages. Are you a sociopath?
- The correct number of books to own is n+1 where n is the current number of books you own. This may also be expressed as p-1 where p is the number of books your partner would leave you over.
- When reading epic fantasies, refer to the map. Do not tear it out. Memorize it, sketch your own version for quick reference or keep another installment of the series beside you as you read. Or just quickly design a map app for fantasy novel maps.
- The books on your bookshelf should be worth more than the bookshelf.
- When starting a book, prepare appropriately. Get snacks. Wear your comfy clothes. Have tissues on hand. Turn your phone to silent. Check your flashlight battery. You’ve trained for this.
9. In order to minimize bathroom trips while reading, only drink enough fluids to stay hydrated.
10. Do not read on the toilet. It may lead to surgery, and surgery takes away from reading time.
11. Your TBR pile should be taller than you are. Extra points of it is large enough to build a house out of.
12. Harden up, Buttercup. Not all books are sunshine and rainbows, some are dark and stormy. A serious reader devours both shadows and light.
13. Only buy physical copies of books. Or electronic copies. Or audiobooks.
14. Leave a review. Reading a book and not reviewing it is like buying a gift,wrapping it, and then running over it repeatedly with a dump truck.
15. If you do not own every format of a book, it is not your favorite book.
16. If you haven’t read it at least twice, it is not your favorite book.
17. If you read the Silmarillion, you are a bada$$.
18. If you must read aloud, do voices.
19. Don’t spoil the ending. Or the middle. Or any other part of the book. The only acceptable thing to say to another serious reader is: “It is, in fact, a book. There are words. You should read it (or not).”
20. Age categories do not apply to you. You read YA, adult, middle grade, and children’s books with reckless abandon no matter how old you are.
21. Anything under 500 pages is a novella.
22. You know the difference between Sauron and Saruman. You can pronounce Hermione and Aegon. You prefer Jonathan Strange to Doctor Strange. Your favorite robots all have mental health problems.
23. The only legitimate reasons to put your book down are: 1. You (or your spouse) are giving birth. 2. Your house is on fire (In which case, put your book down outside the house).
24. Bookmarks are a sign of weakness. Unless you have a super cool collection of them, then they are a sign of awesomeness.
25. Book clubs are your playground. You read every book, every month without fail. To assert dominance you read the book before it is assigned.
26. Posture matters. When reading a book, assume a slightly reclined position with enough neck and back support that you don’t have to readjust and upright enough that you don’t fall asleep. Use pillows. Unless they will make you sleepy. Then only read while standing/walking.
27. Never, ever fall asleep while reading. You can sleep when you’re at work.
Bookmarks are a sign of weakness.
27. Mustaches and beards are only acceptable if you stroke them thoughtfully whilst reading. Your own, please. They are also acceptable if they look super cool. For examples of super cool beards, please refer to any beard in existence.
28. Support your local bookstore. If they have books, buy them. If they don’t have books, they are not a good bookstore. If they don’t have the book you want, ask them to order it and buy several other books they have in stock to show them that you are serious (This is always a good idea, see rules 8 and 12). Ask them for recommendations, that’s literally what they do.
29. Books are to be measured by quality, not quantity. But also quantity.
30. Read for the love of reading. Or to avoid conversations. Or to learn something new. Or because you are bored. Or because the cover is pretty. Or to earn money. Or because you are still alive.
31. If you run out of space on your bookshelf, table, chairs, and floor, you’re gonna need a bigger house.
32. Never throw a book away.
33. You know the ultimate answer to the question of life, the universe and everything, or will read until you find it.
34. Read the unabridged version. Always. Unless you don’t want to.
35. Know your genres. Don’t read a contemporary soft sci-fi and expect a science fantasy. Rookie mistake.
36. If assigned a book for school, read it twice. Once for the enjoyment and again for the class. Unless it’s dumb.
37. Do not read books that are dumb. There are too many good books in the world to force yourself to finish a book you don’t like.
38. Books are not to be analyzed. By anyone. Ever.
The Rules (for serious readers) was written by Marion Boyd and inspired by The Rules by Velominati Keepers of Cog which apply to cycling. Some (5,8,13, 18, 30, 31) have been adapted from bikes to books as they are relevant to both.
If you have suggestions for further rules, please comment below and we will consider adding them.